xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
