Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
