I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
