Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
