using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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