i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
