I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
