I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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