I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
