I will die if light touches me.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize