I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
