Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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