Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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