I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
