God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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