when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Barsexuality is the new black.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
