Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
