my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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