i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
