I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
