ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my vag is so smooth its legendary
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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