I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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