i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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