There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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