Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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