Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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