Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
