I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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