Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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