I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Someone signed my nipple.
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