you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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