Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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