I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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