So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
