I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
