and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
