.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize