Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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