Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize