I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
