i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
