Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
