She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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