I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
