Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
