Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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