i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
