Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
