im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
