its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
