Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
