I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
