Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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