I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
