I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
